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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29499267">but then i hear you calling me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochiibunbun/pseuds/mochiibunbun'>mochiibunbun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>we bloom until we ache [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>00er line are the best of friends, Bottom Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Canon Compliant, Chan's Room, Coming Out, Daddy Kink, Established Relationship, Felix goes by Lix, Fluff and Smut, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Light BDSM, M/M, Misunderstandings, Non AU, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Safeword Use, Top Bang Chan, Trans Character, all of Stray Kids are there but they don't talk much, i mention rape literally once i hope that's ok, i referenced my favourite nonbinary tiktok can you tell?, makeup guru felix, only a tiny bit of Smut tho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:15:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,819</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29499267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochiibunbun/pseuds/mochiibunbun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Chan calling him a ‘good boy’ hit Felix, because he pointed out what Felix disliked the most about himself. That he was a boy, or at least perceived as one by everyone else.</p><p> </p><p>or: Chan calls Lix 'good boy' during sex and triggers their dysphoria. Lix thinks Chan won't love them anymore when they come out as nonbinary. Bullshit, of course.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin &amp; Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>we bloom until we ache [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145660</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>266</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>but then i hear you calling me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hiiiiiii i'm back with the promised sequel ! people told me they'd like to read it and i had fun writing this.</p><p>if you haven't read part 1, i recommend you do that first. this takes place 2ish months after part 1, so early 2021. there's a timeskip of a few weeks before the last section.</p><p>as a mostly closeted enby, this is entirely self indulgent. i hope you like it anyways !</p><p>again thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanpersoningfox">fanpersoningfox</a> for the beta. german speaking folks check their work out please ok thank you.</p><p>title is from feel special by twice</p><p>please leave a comment !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The bed creaked in a steady rhythm with Chan’s movement, the noise accompanied by Felix’s low moans. He clutched at Chan’s shoulders, trying to hold on without digging his nails into his boyfriend’s shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Daddy- feels so- so good, Daddy,” Felix whined, jostled up higher on the bed a little with each thrust.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan littered kisses along Felix’s throat, leaving a wet trail behind. He grabbed at Felix’s thighs, as if trying to pull Felix deeper onto his dick.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing so well, Pixie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix mewled, his eyes rolling back with each hit against his prostate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“More, Daddy- please,” he sobbed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Following after his boyfriend’s request, Chan sped up his thrusts, grunting against Felix’s skin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, Pixie, so good, you’re being such a good boy for Daddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was as if someone had pulled the plug. The pleasant haze usually fogging up Felix’s brain when he was in subspace disappeared with a start, drained. It left Felix feeling disgusting, feeling wrong, tired and restless at the same time. Gut clenching anxiety filled the space occupied by sweet mist before. Instead of sex, lust, and Chan, all Felix could think about was how wrong he looked and felt, how wrong he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He needed to get out of this as soon as possible.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Red.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix’s voice was uncharacteristically cool and calm when he said it, unfitting of the chaos inside his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan froze for a millisecond, then pulled out right away and scrambled away from Felix, still panting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What- Felix, what’s wrong? Are you alright?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix slowly sat up, pulling his knees to his chest. His cock was already going soft again and he could feel lube dribbling out of his ass. He felt disgusting. As a dancer, he was used to being sweaty, and lube and precome on his skin weren’t new to him either. But right now, Felix wanted to scrub at his skin until he had shed it completely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby, what’s wrong? What did I do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan reached out to touch him, but shied away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Felix, please tell me. Can I help?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix shook his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no, I’m fine. I just- don’t wanna keep going. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t apologize, it’s okay. Do you wanna talk about it? Or cuddle?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix shook his head again, drawing his shoulders up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I- I think I wanna go take a shower.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Do you want me to come with you? Not- not to do anything of course, but-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to be alone right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan looked dejected, but climbed down from his bunk bed so Felix could leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix grabbed a change of clothes, then fled to the bathroom without another word.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hot water eased Felix’s tenseness a little. After a few minutes of motionlessly standing under the spray, he sank down and curled up in the corner of the shower cabin, staring at the glass that was slowly fogging up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to force his mind to return to what had just happened. Felix knew Chan would never take advantage of him or hurt him intentionally. He had stopped right away when Felix had used their safe word and didn’t get angry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thing was, Felix didn’t even have to think for long before realizing what had ruined it for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix liked their dynamic in bed. He liked calling Chan ‘Daddy’, he liked being submissive towards Chan and letting him take care of him. He liked being good for Chan and he liked being praised and called pet names.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He did not like being called ‘good boy’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whole gender ordeal wasn’t entirely new to Felix, he had enjoyed wearing his sisters’ dresses as a child and letting them experiment on him with makeup. He knew he had delicate features, which his stylists and makeup artists liked to enhance and play with. Felix had also started growing his hair out, inspired by Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He always knew he wasn’t like other boys and men he knew, he just didn’t always have a name for it, so he tried to will it away, ignore it. Until K-Pop came and brought it back out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix cringed a little every time he saw pictures from his teenage years before he left Australia. How hard he had tried to seem as masculine as possible. The first time he had been put in a more androgynous outfit and makeup for a photoshoot, Felix felt like he finally recognized himself in the mirror again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan calling him a ‘good boy’ hit Felix, because he pointed out what Felix disliked the most about himself. That he was a boy, or at least perceived as one by everyone else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a sigh, Felix got to his feet to wash the lube and sweat away. Hopefully, along with the shame.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>✯</b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I safeworded Chan”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin pulled a face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really wanna know about your and our leader’s sex life, thank you very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up, Hyunjin,” Seungmin said, trying to swat at him. “This is serious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin glared, but grabbed the remote and paused Howl’s Moving Castle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin looked down at Felix, who currently had his head in Seungmin’s lap and his feet in Hyunjin’s, while Jisung sat on the floor in front of the sofa to feed Felix crisps. They had noticed Felix had been feeling down for a few days and called another one of their comfort Ghibli movie nights.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened, Lix?” Seungmin asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix shrugged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really know. Everything was fine, until it suddenly wasn’t. I just didn’t feel like going on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a lie. Felix definitely knew what had happened, and what ruined it for him. But in no way was he going to tell his friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When was this? How did Chan-hyung react?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A few days ago, when you were all out. And you know Chan,” Felix answered. “He stopped immediately and gave me space.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you talk about it?” Seungmin pressed on gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix shook his head no.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should, Lix.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, I’m just- I don’t know how. I don’t want him to think it was anything he did, you know? I don’t want him to think it’s his fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s kind of too late for that, Lixie,” Jisung piped up. “He’s been writing sad songs again. He’s totally blaming himself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix groaned and buried his face in his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I fucked up, didn’t I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, you didn’t,” Seungmin said firmly. “First of all, you know Chan-hyung. He blames himself for </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything </span>
  </em>
  <span>when it comes to us. Jeongin stubbed his toe on the dining table last week and Chan-hyung almost started crying. He thought it was his fault because he always pushes the table away from him when he gets up. Don’t take responsibility for him blaming himself. He just does that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin pried Felix’s hands away from his face to look at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Secondly, this is nobody’s fault. Safewording happens. That’s what safe words are for. As long as all parties accept it and don’t push the other’s boundaries, it’s completely okay. But you need to talk about it so you can figure out what ruined it for you and it doesn’t happen again. You got that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix nodded and smiled up at Seungmin, his eyes wet with unshed tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did Chan tell you anything?”, he asked, turning to Jisung, who shook his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nope. He would never tell me anything about your guys’ relationship without your consent. Seriously, do you even know who you’re dating, Lix?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix laughed. How easy it was for his friends to make him smile again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like, I didn’t even know you guys are doing stuff that requires a safe word”, Jisung added.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin had been silent for most of the time, idly stroking Felix’s leg to show his support. Now that the mood had been lifted, he spoke up again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Safe words can be useful for any kind of sex, Sungie. Rape prevention and what not. Besides, look at Chan-hyung. You really think he’d be the type to have boring ass missionary vanilla sex only? I’m betting you 50,000 Won right now that he likes to be called ‘Daddy’ in bed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you don’t want to hear anything about their sex life,” Seungmin mumbled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix waited for Jisung to accept the bet before he said, “I brought it up first but yeah, Hyunjin is right. He does like it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin screamed in delight as Jisung cursed, getting up to fetch his wallet. He begrudgingly handed Hyunjin 50,000 Won just as Chan entered the living room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix’s breath caught in his throat. Chan looked incredibly tired.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on here?”, Chan asked, and when he spotted the money exchanging hands, added, “What did you bet on this time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You,” Hyunjin answered shamelessly, doing a small victory dance while sitting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix tried to stop him, but to no avail.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said you like to be called ‘Daddy’ in bed, Jisung said you don’t. Luckily I had Lix right here to tell me I’m right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan’s ears went beet red instandly, and Felix wished he could have avoided the uncomfortable look Chan gave him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ehm- you told ‘em, Felix?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix did not like how Chan said his name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily, Seungmin sensed the tension and interjected right away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, not really. He said it’s private but we dragged it out of him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, ehm, okay,” Chan scratched his head sheepishly. “I uh, bought dinner for everyone. It’s in the kitchen. ‘s from your favourite place.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Though he wasn’t looking at him anymore, Felix knew Chan meant him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, hyung”, Seungmin answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan had been buying dinner (and lunch, and snacks, and whatever they asked for) for everyone since the incident a couple days ago. He always did when he felt guilty for something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix hated it. He didn’t want Chan to spend unnecessary amounts of money on them for stuff they could easily just buy themselves when he knew for a fact that Chan was struggling to support his family back home in Australia.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure. No problem,” Chan muttered. “I’ll uhm, I’ll head back to the studio then. Still have some tracks to finish. Call me if there’s anything you need.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin looked at Felix promptingly, but he shook his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bye. Thanks for dinner,” Jisung called after Chan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, thanks Daddy!” Hyunjin yelled, which earned him a kick from Felix.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you go with him?”, Hyunjin asked once he had stopped laughing and they were sure Chan had left.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not ready to talk about it yet,” Felix answered. “Plus, we need to finish Howl’s Moving Castle!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix, you’ve seen that film like, at least 50 times!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t exaggerate, Hyunjin,” Seungmin cut in. “It’s only been 48 times.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what? It’s my comfort film. You guys are just homophobic,” Felix joked, pouting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He saw something shift in Hyunjin’s gaze, but he silently grabbed the remote and pressed play to continue the film.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung went back to gently feeding Felix crisps.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please talk to him soon, yeah?” he whispered. “I worry about him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix smiled at Jisung and nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, Felix didn’t climb into his boyfriend’s bed. He hadn’t since the incident.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, he snuck out of their room and into the one Seungmin, Hyunjin and Minho shared.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin was still awake, reading on his phone. The soft glow illuminated the room just enough so that Felix could silently make his way over to Seungmin’s bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Big spoon or little spoon?” Seungmin asked once he noticed Felix.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Little.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin lifted the blanket and Felix slipped under it, perfectly slotting himself into Seungmin’s arms. Seungmin locked his phone and put it down so he could wrap his arms around Felix’s middle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since you’re here and not in your boyfriend’s bed, I assume you haven’t talked to him about it yet?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix shook his head. Seungmin couldn’t see his face, but he sensed the movement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix, I know you said you don’t wanna talk about it with us, and I get that, I do, but… there’s more to this, isn’t there? You wouldn’t be avoiding Chan-hyung this much if it was just a sex thing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe Seungmin was the wrong choice for tonight. He knew Felix too well, could see through his facades too easily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I don’t want to pressure you, Lix, but this is becoming a really big issue and it’s weighing on Chan-hyung and on you, and therefore also on us. We just want you guys to be happy again. So if there’s anything we could do… Lix, please just talk. To us or to Chan-hyung. But you can’t go on like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix took a few deep breaths. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin was right, of course he was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are the others asleep?” he asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, pretty sure they are. Minho-hyung has been snoring for an hour,” Seungmin answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix glanced over at Hyunjin, who lay spreadeagle on his small bed frame, one leg sticking out from under the blanket and his head hanging slightly off the mattress. He was going to have a hell of a neck pain tomorrow, but he was definitely asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think Chan loves me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>he does. He’s pretty obvious about it, if you ask me. But I thought you were already past the big L word?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix started playing with the drawstring of his sweatpants, trying to find a release for his nervous energy. He was really glad Seungmin had suggested spooning right away, this way Felix didn’t have to look at his face during this conversation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you- do you think Chan would still love me if… if I wasn’t a guy?” he asked hesitantly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t know too much about gay stuff, so correct me if I’m wrong, but Chan-hyung is bisexual, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And as far as I know, bisexual means liking men and women. So why should he not like you if you were a girl?” Seungmin said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But- but Seungmin-,” Felix’s voice was becoming breathier, he could feel his tears threatening to spill.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I wasn’t a girl either? Would he still love me then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin fell silent behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t saying anything encouraging, but he wasn’t saying anything negative either. He also hadn’t kicked Felix out of his bed yet, which had to be a good sign, right?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a while, Seungmin said, “I’m not sure I one hundred percent know what you mean, but answer me this, Lix: Does your gender change anything about your personality?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does your gender change anything about your personality?” Seungmin repeated patiently. “Does your gender make you less cuddly? Are you going to stop cooking for us because of your gender? Is your gender going to take away your laugh and your smile? Are you going to be any less of a warm, open and welcoming person because of your gender? Are you going to be less kind and caring? Are you going to love us less because of your gender? Are you going to love Chan-hyung less?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! No to all of those!” Felix answered vehemently. “What are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then why should Chan-hyung love you less? If those things don’t change, the things he loves about you, then why should he love you any less?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin’s words felt like a punch to the gut. They weren’t brutal, they weren’t mean. They were honest, and Seungmin delivered them in such a manner-of-fact voice, Felix felt stupid for ever doubting them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was why he had come to Seungmin. Felix was closest with Chan, due to their shared home and their relationship of course.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Seungmin was honest, Seungmin kept a clear head during a storm. Seungmin didn’t coddle you, Seungmin told you what you needed to do, Seungmin found solutions, all the while staying gentle and loving.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Chan-hyung isn’t superficial, Lix. He loves you for your personality. Sure, he likes your face and your voice and your body as well, but they’re just an added bonus. That’s not why he loves you. If you were to change bodies with- I don’t know, Defconn- he would still love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix giggled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think he’d fuck me if I looked like Defconn though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honestly? I think he would. That’s how much he loves you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix smiled and grabbed one of Seungmin’s hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Minnie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing to thank me for,” Seungmin answered. “But I think you’re gonna have to explain that gender thing to me some time. I don’t know a lot about that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin squeezed him gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cool. You should probably go back to your boyfriend now, Lix.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix whined and shuffled backwards, closer to Seungmin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix, he’s gonna be upset when he notices.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin was right. Felix used to sleep in the others’ beds a lot, but stopped when he and Chan got together, as he only slept with Chan. He was sure Chan generally wouldn’t mind Felix sleeping in his friends’ beds again from time to time, but in their current situation, he might misinterpret it. But Felix felt so safe and secure right now- right here, in Seungmin’s bed. He didn’t want to leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just tonight. Please?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright. But just tonight. Now that I know what this whole thing is about, I’m not gonna ask you to talk to Chan-hyung tomorrow, but I am going to lock our bedroom door.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix knew Seungmin was joking. Even if he didn’t talk to Chan the next day, Seungmin would scold him, but he’d still welcome him with open arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Thank you Minnie. Love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, love you too. Now shush. You’re robbing me of precious minutes that I could be spending sleeping.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were literally on your phone when I came in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said shush.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>✯</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix didn’t see Chan much the next day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Sunday, they didn’t have any schedules. But Chan fled to the gym very early, saying he’d be going to the studio after.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was avoiding Felix’s eyes, didn’t even sit down to have breakfast with the rest of them, just gulped down some bread in the kitchen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix felt guilty. He knew Chan was going to work until he couldn’t stand anymore, and then some.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The look Jisung gave him didn’t help.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So Felix left for the company building as well, joined Minho in some chill dance practice that took up most of the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was feeling better than the days before, Seungmin’s words had given him confidence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After they got home from practice and Felix had showered, he got to work cooking dinner for all of the group. He dug out some of his mother’s recipes that she had sent him when he told her he had discovered an interest in cooking and went all in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan did not join them for dinner. Felix thought he had no right to be upset. He was the reason Chan was acting like this after all, and he was probably making a new track for the group, so there wasn’t really any reason to be sad or hurt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix took out a large serving for Chan before the others could devour it, and put it in a container labelled “Kangaroo Chris”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we play together?” Jeongin asked as they were cleaning up after dinner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The seven of us?” Changbin questioned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongin nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a while since we’ve all played together! It’s a shame Chan-hyung is at the studio right now, I’d love for him to join too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s probably going live soon. We can watch it together?” Jisung suggested.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Noooo, that’s boring.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The others were already starting to argue about what to play, and Felix felt a headache impending.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry, Jeongin, but I think I’m gonna call it an early night, I’m not feeling my best. I promise I’ll make it up to you, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongin pouted, but Seungmin cut in before he could complain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course it’s okay, Lix, you already made dinner for us. Get some rest. We’ll babysit.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Felix shot him a grateful smile and retreated to his room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let himself plop down onto his bed, but quickly got uncomfortable. He had gotten so used to sleeping in Chan’s bed, his own felt like a stranger’s to him. On a whim, he got up and climbed up into Chan’s empty bunk, burrowing his face into the pillows and breathing in a lungful of the smell that was so Chan. It wasn’t as sweet as flowers or warm brownies, fresh out of the oven. It wasn’t the ocean or the Australian sun. Still, it was home to Felix. So far away from their families, from where they grew up, Chan and Felix had found home in each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix pulled out his phone and opened the Vlive App. He missed Chan so incredibly much in this moment, he needed to see him, hear him. Even if he could be nothing more than one of the millions of people watching his weekly live stream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix was just on time, catching the last tunes of Gone Days, which Chan had taken to always using as his opening melody.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello everyone,” Chan’s voice sounded over the speaker of Felix’s phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked tired.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And welcome to ‘Chan’s Room’. I hope STAYs are doing fine, eating well, resting enough, staying hydrated.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan nervously shimmied on his office chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought I’d do a slightly different episode today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix furrowed his brows. All of Stray Kids were here at the dorm, none of them were joining the livestream. And Chan wouldn’t invite a friend over to join during the pandemic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fans were asking themselves the same thing, Felix could see an onslaught of comments along the lines of ‘Who’s visiting?’ flooding in. He even caught his own name a surprising number of times.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan peeked at the comments as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah no, nobody’s joining me. It’s just me today, sorry about that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up a little oddly. Felix wanted to kiss him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know- you know how I always say ‘come to us’? Like, everytime you guys tell me you’re struggling with depression, or stress, or anxiety, I always tell you to come to us. Especially come to us instead of like, hurting yourself or- or something. I get that that’s kind of like, easier said than done, because your ways of contacting us are very limited. So I wanted to take today, take today’s ‘Chan’s Room’, and make it about that, make it about you. Because, you know, ‘Chan’s Room’ is kind of like, a thing I do for myself, to clear my head. But today I want it to be all about you guys. Kind of like what Hyunjin sometimes does?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like, I want to listen to your problems and to what’s going on in your lives, and if there’s anything I can do to help you out, maybe give some advice, then I want to do that. Because STAYs are important, you make Stray Kids stay. So I want to help you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan smiled at the camera and Felix felt the strong urge to kiss his dimples.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Humming to himself, Chan skimmed the incoming comments, trying to catch something he could talk about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! ‘Chan, why don’t you call us baby girls anymore?’. Ahh,” Chan laughed a little awkwardly and shook his head. “Well, first of all, it’s kinda inappropriate, you know? Like, I know it sounds cute and maybe young STAYs don’t know about this, but the context in which most people use it… isn’t for this setting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan’s ears were going red. They were always the first thing to blush when he was getting embarrassed. Felix found it endearing how flustered Chan could sometimes get talking about sex stuff, contrasting his confidence in bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Secondly, there’s baby girls and baby boys, but there’s no gender neutral version to that, you know, and I don’t wanna leave gender neutral STAYs out, so I stopped calling you guys baby-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan stopped and furrowed his brows, looking down at the table and slightly tilting his head. Felix recognized it as his ‘Thinking hard’ expression. Suddenly, a look of realization shot across Chan’s face, his eyes widening. He sat up straight and gathered himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where was I? Yeah, there’s no gender neutral version, so I stopped. Sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan talked to STAYs for a while. They told him about their personal struggles and issues, and Chan did his best to answer them and offered words of comfort. The songs he chose were soft and comforting ones as well, fitting the mood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘Chan, I came out as trans to my parents and they reacted badly. I don’t know what to do’,” Chan read out loud.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix tensed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I’m- I’m very sorry about that. I’m sorry your parents didn’t react well, you don’t deserve that. But I’m proud of you for taking that step. Coming out, especially as trans, is a huge thing, and you were- you are very brave for doing that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix glanced at the comments. Dozens of STAYs were losing it over Chan’s words, spamming hearts, crying and trans flag emojis. “Bang Chan protector of trans people”, “Chris said trans rights” a lot of them read.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, I don’t know your parents. But if they’re nice parents, if they love you, then you being trans shouldn’t change that. ‘Cause it doesn’t change your personality. They should just want you to be happy and support you in anything you do. Maybe, if you have the energy, you could talk to them again and explain to them that you need their support in this and that the goal of it is to make you happy? If it’s really bad, if they’re being like, really transphobic, then try and see if you can stay somewhere else. Like, at a friend’s place or something. Again, I’m really sorry. But you can come here, to me, to Stray Kids, anytime.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan smiled at the camera. Felix's heart lurched in his chest, and he could feel a stray tear escaping his eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door to his room opened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix? Are you asleep?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix looked up to see Changbin standing in front of the bed. He smiled at Felix.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. Wanted to check up on you. Everything alright?” he asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix nodded, quickly wiping his eyes with his sleeve.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D’you know when Chan’s coming home?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, he didn’t say, sorry,” Changbin answered. “Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When he comes home, can you tell him I need to talk to him? Even if I’m already asleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few seconds, Changbin added, “Is this about why you two have been weird lately?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I’m sorry about that, by the way,” Felix said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘s okay. We’ll give you privacy later then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin reached up to ruffle Felix’s hair, then left the room again, closing the door behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix turned his attention back to the livestream, in time to notice Chan’s phone was ringing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He picked up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah? Ah Changbinnie! Wait, I’m gonna put you on speaker so you can say hi to STAY!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello STAY,” Changbin’s voice sounded over the speaker of Chan’s phone. “It’s Changbin. Hope you’re eating well~”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why’d you call? Everything okay?” Chan asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, everything’s fine, hyung. Just wanted to ask when you’re coming home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix felt himself blush. He had just asked Changbin if he knew anything Felix didn’t, he didn’t ask him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>call </span>
  </em>
  <span>Chan </span>
  <em>
    <span>during </span>
  </em>
  <span>his livestream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, well, I’m still doing ‘Chan’s Room’, and after that I wanted to work on some more tracks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can’t you come home sooner?” Changbin whined. “We miss you. Especially Yongbok-ah, he’s pouting and complaining a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix gasped. How dare Changbin?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. He is?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan seemed genuinely surprised. It hurt Felix a little. He hadn’t been a good boyfriend recently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! It’s horrible. Please, I can’t take his whining anymore!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’ll be home soon. Let him know, yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, he’s watching.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You put him on blast like that while he’s watching?” Chan asked, laughing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He deserves it,” Changbin answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“WATCH IT, HYUNG!” Felix yelled. He could hear Changbin snicker through the livestream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay then. I’m coming home soon Lix, don’t worry,” Chan said, looking at the camera.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix could feel his anger towards Changbin dissipate right away at the sight of Chan’s dimples.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you guys have dinner yet? Should I pick something up on my way back?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, we’re fine,” Changbin answered. “Felix cooked for us. He saved some for you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Chan smiled at the camera. No- he smiled at Felix.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Awesome. I love his cooking. Alright, see you later.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ended the call with Changbin after he had said his goodbyes to STAYs, then quickly summarized the call in English.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, you heard Changbin, I’m needed at home. One more song and then I’ll leave. This one is really nice, someone recommended it on Twitter.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soft, tranquil like music filled Chan’s studio, accompanied by a very high, falsetto female voice. Chan sang along quietly, yet his voice was clearly distinguishable from the music.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Laying in the moonlight glow</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>When you get like this, I know</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>You are now my man on the moon</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Everything it seemed just fine</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>‘Til the end of summer time</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>You would start to pull away, in sadness</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Let me hold you if you need</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>I could give the energy</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Of a woman</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>If you wanna free your mind</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Baby, we could make the time</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t you ever start to think I wouldn’t</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know that you don’t cry</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>But I won’t mind if you do</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>If you do</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>I know that you don’t cry</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>But I won’t mind if you do</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>If you need to</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix couldn’t help but feel like it was directed at him, now that Chan knew he was watching. Especially with the way Chan was softly smiling at the camera while singing along. God, Felix loved him so much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan reached for his laptop and lowered the volume.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was ‘I won’t mind’ by Raveena. I like it, it’s a really great song. I hope STAYs like it too. She has a really good voice. And I love the lyrics.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan stood up, opening his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hug time, STAYs!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He quickly ended the livestream after that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix felt dizzy. He knew what was coming. And he knew he didn’t have to fear it, but it was still nerve-wracking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan got home about twenty minutes later, Felix heard the door of their flat open.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>He had been lying in Chan’s bed, waiting for him and unsuccessfully trying to distract himself by scrolling through Twitter. The click of their bedroom door sent a small jolt through Felix. He was laying on his side, face towards the wall, but his ears picked up on the sounds of Chan’s footsteps nearing the bed and climbing up the ladder. The mattress dipped when he sat down at the foot of the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix turned to look at him. Chan smiled softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hug?” Felix asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan opened his arms and waited for Felix to climb into his lap. Felix nuzzled Chan’s neck, breathing him in in lungfuls.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I missed you, Lix.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Missed you too,” Felix mumbled. He looked up at Chan with big eyes. “Kiss?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan obliged easily and started littering kisses all over Felix’s face, making him giggle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, Channie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan smiled at him, gently tucking a strand of hair behind Felix’s ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think you’re ready to tell me about what has been troubling you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan squeezed him encouragingly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s- I’m. Wait.” Felix took a few deep breaths, then started anew. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Chan. I mean, you did do something that upset me, but it’s not your fault. It didn’t upset me before, so you couldn’t have known. So please don’t feel guilty about that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glanced at Chan, who nodded obediently. Chan reached for his hands when Felix started clenching and unclenching his own nervously. Felix grabbed Chan’s hand and started playing with his fingers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know where to start,” he admitted defeatedly, after fumbling with his words for a good minute.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan pressed a kiss to his forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmh. Maybe try with what it was I did during the last time we had sex that you didn’t like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay. I can- I can try that.” Felix swallowed. “You- you called me a good boy. I didn’t like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Can you tell me which part you didn’t like? Was it the praise, or the fact that I called you a boy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix cringed, screwing his eyes shut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The- the boy. I don’t- I’m not- I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could feel his heart in his throat, his breathing growing quicker and more hectic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ssh, Lix. It’s okay. Breathe,” Chan said softly, leaning back to give Felix a little space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not a boy,” Felix burst out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan remained calm, just constantly nodding at Felix reassuringly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not a boy, I’m not a man, I’m not- no. I’m not. I don’t want to be. But- I’m not a girl either. I don’t know exactly what I am. I mean, I did some research and- I think I’m nonbinary? No, I- I’m pretty sure I’m nonbinary. So when you called me a good boy, I- I mean, I like when you call me stuff like that, because I wanna be good for you, but the ‘boy’ just really triggered my, uhm, my dysphoria, you know? Because I hate that people perceive me as that, as male. ‘Cause I’m not.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix looked up at Chan to see him smile brightly. Upon his questioning glance, he said: “Your accent gets stronger when you ramble. I love it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix lightly smacked his shoulder, blushing furiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lemme continue! Argh. I didn’t tell you because- I mean, I know you’re not transphobic or anything like that, especially after your Vlive today- which was really sweet, by the way- but I was scared that you wouldn’t love me anymore, or wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore, you know? I was really terrified of that. I thought you wanted a girlfriend or a boyfriend only and that me being nonbinary would change something. I- I told Seungmin, kind of, that I’m neither a girl nor a boy and asked him if he thought you would still love me, and he basically said I’m stupid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I say something? I don’t wanna interrupt your flow again,” Chan said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix. Seungmin was right. I don’t know what exactly it was that he said, but it is kind of stupid to question my love for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan smiled brightly when he saw Felix’s pout, stroking his cheek with his thumb.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Lix, I love you to the moon and back and even more. Your gender won’t change that. I don’t love you because you’re a guy. I love you because you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And as long as that doesn’t change, I will continue to love you. And I will do everything I can to support you. I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan held out a pinky. Felix smiled as he interlocked them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about names and pronouns?” Chan asked. “I mean, coming out publicly probably won’t be possible yet, but what should I use?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix mused for a moment. He had thought about this before, but never dared to dream of it becoming reality.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I.. I don’t think I want to be called Felix anymore. It’s too masculine. I never liked Yongbok. Lix and Lixie are fine, I like those.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan hummed in acknowledgement, stroking Lix’s hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And… Can we try they/them pronouns in English? Like, I don’t know if I’m sure they’ll fit, but I’d like to try.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Lixie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan smiled at them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so proud of you. What you just did was really brave.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix buried their face in the crook of Chan’s neck, giggling softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel so relieved right now,” they mumbled. “Like a giant weight’s been lifted off my chest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmh, me too. I was really worried, you know. I thought I had fucked up really badly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, Sungie told me. I’m sorry. I just wasn’t ready yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s fine,” Chan said. “Don’t worry about me, little one. I’m glad the others were there for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix hummed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“By the way, do you want to come out to them?” Chan asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do. I just don’t know how. They already didn’t understand bisexuality, I’m scared of what they might say.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’ve come a long way since then though, Lixie. That was two years ago. I’ve had a couple of serious talks with them about sexuality, gender and stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix sat up, looking at Chan in surprise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really? Because of me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mostly, yes. Your coming out caused it, but then they also wanted to know more because of STAYs. We have a lot of queer fans. So I explained a bunch of stuff to them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan shrugged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So yeah, I don’t think it’s gonna be like when you came out as bi. And if you want, I’ll be there and jump in when you need me to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. I think I need some more time though,” Lix answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, little one. Anything for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix buried their face back in the crook of Chan’s neck, basking in his presence and affection.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you know?” they asked after a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not really? I mean, I always knew you didn’t care much about gender roles- which I find really hot by the way, just thought I’d let you know-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix whined and poked at Chan’s chest with one finger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“-but I didn’t know you were nonbinary until earlier today when I did ‘Chan’s Room’. I kind of realized when I talked about there not being a gender neutral version of ‘baby girl’.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmh, I could tell,” Lix mumbled. “By the way, Jeongin said he wants all of us to play together earlier.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We should probably go do that then. Can’t let his Highness wait.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix hummed in agreement, but made no move to get off their boyfriend’s lap, instead just cuddling up to him even closer. Chan chuckled and patted Lix’s thigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“More kisses first,” Lix whined in response.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan happily complied, slotting their lips together in a deep but slow kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Love you,” Lix breathed against Chan’s lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? Sorry, I don’t think I caught that,” Chan teased, softly nibbling on Lix’s bottom lip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix pulled away with a pout, bringing their hands up to frame Chan’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. I love </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Got it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Got it,” Chan answered with a smile, turning his face to press a kiss into Lix’s palm. “I love you too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>✯</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they exited their bedroom half an hour and many more kisses later, the two of them found the rest of the group sitting on the floor in the living room around the coffee table, clothes strewn about, and in a heated game.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you guys playing... strip poker??” Chan asked in disbelief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Excuse you, it’s strip </span>
  <em>
    <span>uno</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Minho corrected him, who was entirely naked except for his underwear and his socks. Lix did not question why Minho didn’t take his socks off first. Nobody questioned Minho.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Chan-hyung! Finally! Come join us!” Jeongin called.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix and Chan followed his beckon and sat down with the rest of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you and Hyunjin the only ones who haven’t lost yet?” Chan asked after quickly scanning everyone down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hyunjin lost the first round!” Jisung exclaimed, looking up from where he was annoying a trouserless Seungmin by poking his thigh with his naked, sweaty feet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix turned to Hyunjin, mustering him. He seemed to be dressed entirely, even still wearing his fluffy pink slippers. Upon catching Lix’s questioning glance, Hyunjin held up a hair tie with two fingers, raking his other hand through his long dark hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cheater,” Changbin grumbled next to him, clutching a sofa cushion to his naked chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, gimme some cards,” Chan said. “What about you, little one?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmh, you sure you want me to join? ‘Cause at least one of us is gonna end up with their clothes off. Can you take that, babe?” Lix licked their lips teasingly, smirking at Chan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure I can, Pixie,” Chan answered, reaching over to squeeze Lix’s thigh. “And if I can’t, Changbin will just have to sleep on the couch tonight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin gasped in offense, in tune with Hyunjin making a gagging sound. Lix giggled and accepted the cards handed to them by Seungmin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix had no luck and lost their socks and hoodie fairly quickly. Chan played confidently, but Lix noticed (by peeking over his shoulder), that Chan was withholding ‘draw 4’ cards whenever the rounds circled so that Lix would catch them. Even while playing, Chan was still protecting them. It cost him his shirt, but neither Chan nor Lix, thoroughly enjoying the view, complained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They ended the game when Minho lost again and stood up to pull his underwear down, still refusing to take his socks off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin volunteered to spend the night on the sofa, insisting Chan and Lix ‘needed it’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>✯</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan turned out to be the most supportive boyfriend Lix could’ve asked for. They didn’t know why they were surprised by it, Chan was literally the most respectful person on earth and loved Lix with his entire heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ever since Lix came out to Chan, Chan did not mess up their pronouns or name once. He avoided all gendered terms and left pronouns out when talking about Lix in Korean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course Lix could not come out publicly, but Chan managed to handle public appearances in a way that didn’t out Lix but also didn’t make them uncomfortable. He played the name ‘Lix’ off as a nickname and avoided pronouns in English as well. He kept close to Lix in public, checking on them regularly and making sure they were feeling okay despite the constant misgendering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix did not think it was possible for them to love Chan any more than they already did, but he proved them wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they got home from a day of public appearances, Lix collapsed into Chan’s arms the second they were alone, crying and thanking him. Chan didn’t accept any thanks of course.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix also approached Chan for help with buying stuff. They wanted more feminine clothes, accessoires and more, but were too shy to order it online for themselves. Hyunjin and Jisung were way too nosy when it came to Lix, and Lix did not feel like explaining stuff like that to them. So Chan bought all of it. The other members were more likely to back off when it was Chan, and when they didn’t, Chan said he bought it for a female idol friend whose company didn’t allow her to order stuff online for herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>✯</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix, you still in there?” Chan asked, knocking on the bathroom door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead of answering, Lix unlocked the bathroom door and let their boyfriend inside, closing it behind him again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you think?” they asked, turning their face a little to show Chan their makeup.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look really beautiful. I mean, you always do, but, yeah. Good job.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix preened under the praise, quickly pressing a kiss to Chan’s lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks. It’s not finished yet though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I kind of need to shower, Lix. Do you mind?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, go ahead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix turned back to the bathroom mirror, unscrewing their eyeliner, while Chan stepped into the shower. Lix surprised themselves by staying concentrated and not peeking at their boyfriend through the clear glass doors.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m finished!” Lix cheered a couple minutes later, just as Chan exited the shower and started patting himself dry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It looks really good, babe. You didn’t have to doll yourself up though, it’s just the eight of us. We’re not even filming.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a fancy restaurant, so I wanna look fancy too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix couldn’t resist the urge to do a little dance move, humming “Fancy! You~” under their breath. They were too much of a Twice fan not to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan laughed as he buttoned up his shirt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the anniversary of their debut as Stray Kids, so all of them were going out to eat at one of their favourite restaurants. The food was spectacular and the staff very kind. They always gave them a table in a secluded room, away from the public’s eye. Usually, they would film something like this or do a livestream, but this year, they wanted it to be private.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now fully dressed, Chan came up behind Lix and slung his arms around their waist, burrowing his nose in their hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm, I love you too. But don’t mess up my hair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan chuckled at Lix’s comment, softly poking their waist. He let go of Lix and reached for their phone on the window sill.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We still have some time before we have to leave, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not in the mood for a quickie, Chan. I worked too hard on my look.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not why I’m asking, though I do like the idea. You look good enough to eat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix turned around to see Chan grinning at them, his ears a little red.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then why </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>you asking?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was thinking… Since we’re going to a fancy restaurant and your makeup looks so pretty… Maybe you wanna do mine too?” Chan asked, a little sheepishly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix’s face lit up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really? You’d let me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oooh my god, I’ve been waiting for this. Sit down.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix pushed Chan to sit on the closed toilet seat. They were smiling brightly, visibly excited.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have so many ideas!! You have a different eye shape than me, I’ve been thinking of looks I want to try out on you! Oh wait, I need to get my other palettes!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan watched Lix dart out of the bathroom with a dopey smile on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not much later, Lix was kneeling on the bathroom floor in front of Chan. Chan was used to getting his makeup done by other people, but having Lix’s face so close to his, concentrated on getting Chan’s eyeshadow just right, was way better than having to look at himself in the mirror while being dolled up by a professional makeup artist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was thinking…,” Lix said quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t talk! You can’t move your face when I’m working on it!” Lix scolded him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan smiled, but behaved and stayed quiet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was thinking.. I wanna come out to the others today. I feel ready.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not knowing how to show his support without talking, Chan reached for one of Lix’s hand and squeezed it encouragingly. Lix smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks. Can I count on you to step in if I can’t take it anymore?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another squeeze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you Channie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, what did I </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>say? Stay the fuck still!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix shook their head in disapproval. Just as they positioned their eyeliner, someone loudly hammered against the bathroom door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop hogging the bathroom!! What the fuck is taking so long?” Jisung yelled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix flinched in shock, then turned towards the door to yell back, “Fuck you, Jisung! I almost messed up Chan’s eyeliner!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t fuck in the bathroom again! That’s disgusting!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At least </span>
  <em>
    <span>we </span>
  </em>
  <span>clean up after ourselves, unlike </span>
  <em>
    <span>some </span>
  </em>
  <span>people,” said Chan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jisung answered, albeit not as loudly as before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix snorted, turning back to Chan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I gotta admit, Lixie, our makeup noonas don’t mind if I talk or move around while they do my makeup.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmh, Channie, and that’s why you don’t get the prettiest makeup looks, I do,” Lix responded. “Plus, they’re professionals and they get paid for that, I don’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can pay you, Pixie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan cupped Lix’s face with one hand, stroking their cheek with his thumb before softly pressing it against their lip. Lix obediently sucked Chan’s thumb into their mouth, licking at it. Chan smirked at Lix as they let go of his thumb with a small pout.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re ruining my lipstick, Channie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>✯</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The restaurant was bustling with people, making Chan really glad they always ate in their private room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lix was quite relaxed at first, but the more the evening progressed, the more nervous they got. They were nearly vibrating in their chair next to Chan, who tried to calm them by rubbing circles in their thighs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The group had finished eating already. Seungmin was rushing around the table taking photos of everyone, but especially of Chan and Lix, praising Lix for the makeup job.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys? Can I say something?” Lix said weakly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nobody heard them, all of them stuck in their own conversations.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lix looked at Chan, who smiled back and then said, in a calm voice, “Guys.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence fell and six heads turned to the couple immediately. If Lix wasn’t so nervous right now, they’d probably find the power Chan had over the group hot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lix would like to say something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seungmin sat down, smiling at Lix. He was the only one besides Chan Lix had come out to, and knew where this was going.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm, I- I wanted to tell you guys something,” Lix said, their voice shaking slightly. They grabbed Chan’s hand under the table. “I don’t know what the best way to say this is, but… have you ever heard of the word ‘nonbinary’?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Most of them shook their heads.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t that a band?” Jeongin asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No”, Changbin answered. “You’re thinking of Nickelback.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm, ‘nonbinary’ literally means ‘not binary’, not part of the gender binary of male and female,” Lix continued. “So, neither man nor woman. For, uhm, for some people it’s being both at once, for some it’s being something in between, or something completely different. It varies from person to person.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you are that? Nonbiney?” Minho asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nonbinary,” Lix corrected automatically. “Yeah. I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cool,” Hyunjin said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix waited for any other responses, but nobody said anything for a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you… mind?” they asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why should we?” said Jisung. “I think it’s cool. You were never really masculine, so it’s not like, a huge shock either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Chan-hyung told us about this before,” Changbin added. “Not about you especially, of course. But like, we asked him to explain some gay stuff to us, and gender was part of that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan squeezed Lix’s hand. They squeezed back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait, if you’re not a boy, is your name still Felix?” Jisung asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm, no, actually. I don’t like Felix anymore, it feels too masculine. It’d be really cool if you guys could call me Lix or Lixie instead. And if you could not use pronouns in Korean and, uhm, they/them pronouns in English? Channie and I can explain how that works. It would make me really happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Lix,” Seungmin said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long have you been like this? Or, uhm, how long have you known?” Jeongin asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A few months,” Lix responded. They looked up at Chan next to them, who was smiling warmly. “Channie knows. The, uhm, fight, we had a couple weeks back? That was me being scared he wouldn’t love me anymore if he found out. Kind of stupid, I know. I also maybe told Seungmin back then? Because I needed someone to tell me how stupid I was being.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix chuckled nervously and Chan raised their joined hands to his lips to press a kiss to Lix’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin wordlessly stood up and rounded the table. Lix looked at him questioningly as Hyunjin crouched down next to Lix’s chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for telling us,” Hyunjin said, pulling Lix into a hug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix smiled and brought up their free hand to stroke Hyunjin’s head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanna cuddle Lixie too!” Jisung protested, and soon all of them piled onto Lix for a group hug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After Chan had pulled them apart again, Seungmin called for a group picture, demanding Lix be in the middle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lix had to fight tears. They felt sick from happiness, their cheeks hurting from smiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they were posing for the group picture, Lix felt eyes on them. They looked to the side and caught Chan’s gaze from the end of the group. Chan wasn’t saying anything, but he didn’t have to. Lix understood. They could see the pride and love swimming in Chan’s wet eyes. For Lix, but also for the group. He had raised them well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later, Seungmin posted all of the pictures he had taken on their shared Instagram account. Chan wasn’t sure if it was the best idea to include one of him and Lix lovingly gazing at each other, but then again, he had always looked at Lix that way, it wasn’t anything new.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin captioned the post with “Happy Birthday SKZ and STAY”, followed by yellow, white, purple, and black heart emojis.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you recognize the tiktok i referenced, i love you.</p><p>i have some more stuff planned for this series. follow me on <a href="milkenwood.tumblr.com">tumblr</a> and/or <a href="twitter.com/milkenwood">twitter</a> for updates and more ! you're also more than welcome to make guesses huehuehue</p><p>also listen to i won't mind by raveena it's really good</p></blockquote></div></div>
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